Saturday, March 27, 2010

My First

February 17, 2010
I loved him.
I love it when he say my name, it almost sounds like he’s singing me a lullaby.
I love it when he tells me that he loves me, it was like I’m listening to flattering praises.
When he kisses me, it always felt like I’m the prize he won.
When he hugs me and pull me in, I feel so secure.
When he stays with me for once in my life I felt needed.
When I look into his eyes, it felt like I was peeking at the windows of his soul.
When he does things for me, it was like I’m the luckiest girl ever born.
When he listens to whatever I’m saying, he shows he cares.
When he smiles back at me, I could see creation far more beautiful than the sunrise.
When we’re apart, I almost imagine and mimic his actions of love because I miss him.
When he texts me even when I’m asleep, I feel important.
When he looks at me, it always felt like I’d melt in front of him.
By simply hearing his voice, blood rushes through my veins.
When he laughs, I could imagine wind chimes blown by the wind.
Even his frown appears like a charm to me.
When he walks towards me, it felt like my heart beats thrice a second.
When he sings to me, it was like a never ending serenade, over and over in my head.
When he speaks, he’s like the smartest person I’ve ever heard.
When he swings me to dance, I go back to the feeling of being cradled in my father’s arms.
When he protects me, it felt like my existence wouldn’t e in danger anymore.
When he asks a favor, it’s hard to resist and in some way I felt strong and capable.
Surprises, because of him, had never been this exciting for me before.
When he waits, it’s his way of telling me, ‘you’re worth it.’
When he and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home.
When he tells me about his plans for us, he shows how he wanted to be with me forever.

But it wasn’t the same right now.
No one’s going to wait for me like he did.
I wouldn’t be expecting long text messages when I wake up in the morning.
Nobody’s going to say ‘I love you’ over and over again just to hear me say I do too.
Nobody’s going to hug me tight that almost lose my breath.
I would see him smiling back at me like before.
I would miss somehow how he’d whisper asking for a kiss.
I would miss how he’ll kiss and sniff through my hair though it smells no good at all.
I wouldn’t’ hear him singing to me his love song.
He wouldn’t protect me now as if my life was far more important than his own.
I would no longer feel his skin next to mine.
I would no longer be something extra special in his sight as before.
I would miss how he’ll somehow irritate me acting sometimes childish.
There wouldn’t be any surprises for me in store.
I couldn’t be able to see how his plans would be.
We wouldn’t lean on each other’s back anymore like we use to do before.
Later then I would find myself walking alone at the hall, downstairs, and on my way home.
Sometimes, I’ll even forget my phone. Not checking up on it from time to time like before.
I would also miss group messages, but actually meant for one person.
I’ll miss our misunderstandings and small fights.
It would maybe took for a long time for me to forget his number which I memorized the first time he texted me, one night.
I wouldn’t expect him remind me to take meryenda at school breaks.
I wouldn’t hear him mentioning me at the radio station we both listen to.
The scrapbook of ours would forever be the best confidante of our first few moments of love.
I could no longer visit him at their place at any time I want.
I regret not telling him how I love him enough before.
Our song wouldn’t make me smile now but of a sob.
Frequently, I would try to correct myself from calling him my ‘boyfriend’ to call him my ‘best friend’.
I would somehow miss how he’ll carry my bag and then act like a homo.
I’ll miss even his nails which he knew I almost memorized how it looked like.
I’ll miss his ways of reprimanding me.
I’ll miss how he’ll kiss my hair, my forehead, my eyes, my nose, my cheeks, my lips, and my chin.
I’ll miss his touch.
I’ll miss his eyes, his hair, his nose, his lips, his nape, his hands, his arms, his shoulder, his words, his laugh, his madness, his smile, his walk, his style, his songs, his ways, his surprises, his sacrifices, his help, his jokes, his sweetness, his being cariƱoso, his breath on my face, his whispers, his sneeze, his heartbeat, his attention, and his love.
Maybe I’ll too had these all at the right time, but it wouldn’t ever be the same like how I had it with him.

Now it’s over.
Only time and God could tell what would happen next.
I was thinking of moving forward. Living a life. Forgiving. Forgetting.
Though it wouldn’t be so easy, I believe I was also dreaming of someday when I remember this, I would just laugh and say, “Ah! I’ve had it all.”
I could also see some good sides on having it easy part.
Me-time. Freedom. New Friends. Rest.
He’ll be forever a memory worth treasuring. A lesson worth taking. Start hat made me strong.
Maybe someone to be finally called as my “first love”.

Acquaintance: August 29, 2009
Start: September 19, 2009
End: February 12, 2010
Forever in my heart ♥